UGHHHH. Re: the damn “trashy romance novels are going to normalise abusive relationships for young women” discourse showing up again.
Abusers CAN change. All of them CAN. The real question is, WILL they? That’s why “I can fix him” mentalities are so prevalent, not romance novels. Everyone is actually capable of change. There is nothing that exists biologically within a person that forces them to abuse others. They do it of their own free will.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s difficult to change ingrained habits, especially if you have anger problems, control issues, are power-hungry, etc. But it’s not impossible. If an abuser wanted to change, they have the ability. The amount of effort put forth for that varies, but it’s always possible. They know that, and so do the survivors. So you get this clinging hope, like maybe one day you’ll make a difference, maybe one day when they promise to be better they actually mean it.
They CAN be fixed. But most of the time, they won’t. And nobody can make them. Even I, someone in literal professional training to help them get better, can’t make them. They have to choose to do it. And meanwhile, people around them will suffer, whether they read romance novels or not. Because ultimately, the only thing to blame for abusive relationships is the abusers themselves.
We can certainly warn people, but unless all abusers magically get isolated from every other person on Earth, someone will always end up in their path regardless. That’s why we give them the tools to get out safely and get access to counselling and healing. Prevention should focus on education about abusive behaviours, the cycle of abuse, etc, and ways to be mindful of how you treat others and how they treat you. Its main focus should be on the actions of abusers, how to avoid doing them or being hurt by them over and over. Not the actions of survivors.
You can highlight risky choices, like becoming financially depended on someone early on in a relationship, but ultimately it’s not the victim’s fault. Sometimes you do everything right and still get abused. I did. I never read any of those romance novels, my parents warned me about abusers, and I began to feel something wasn’t right quite early. But by then I had already become attached, and so they had something to manipulate me with.
Books aren’t the problem. Don’t blame survivors for reading books. Don’t blame survivors for writing books, especially if those books are about their experiences. Don’t blame non-survivors for it, either. Blame the people who actively choose to abuse others. Blame the abusers.
