You know what sucks? Overly sexual puberty where you repress that sex stuff. Or if I brought it up with friends they would be clearly uncomfortable, and sometimes it would be obvious and I would back off. But other times, with people I considered my best friends, they wouldn’t say anything until it essentially boiled over, or I made them so uncomfortable that they hid it the bathroom or had to tell me to my face, and through tears, that they didn’t want to be friends anymore. I was an absolute asshole to these people, groping them and them just laughing it off, or doing text ERP with them, and at some point, due to anxiety and possibly POCD, I made the most disgusting jokes I could to, I don’t know, feel better about being a monster or something. Luckily now I’m a lot better. I’ve spoken to a therapist, I’ve come to terms that I can’t apologise to the people I genuinely hurt, and even then there’s some fiction I can’t even read. I feel much safer just keeping to myself, and if I do have an ERP partner, it’s just one person who I’ve known for years, and who I’m constantly confirming the consent of (maybe even to an annoying dagree). But there have been times where I’ve gone back into that old teen mindset I had, if I engage with too much stuff like outing pedophiles, or being called one myself over and over, I fall back and it sucks, so, so much. Just makes me feel like I’m a monster all over again, and that’s all people will see me as, so why change? I keep away from that kind of stuff now, but I’m absolutely terrified of what could happen if antis dog pile me and start calling me a pedo over and over again, I’m scared I’ll just end up hurting more people or isolating myself more than I already do. (sorry if this is tmi or you don’t want this. Seeing some of your post I was compelled to share. You can delete this if you want)
I (🌺😈) can relate to your experience in a lot of ways, anon. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences.
Children and teens, and adults as well– any people– who are feeling things they were never taught to understand or deal with often take things too far in exploring them. I won’t make this post about me, but I want you to know I’ve been there myself in some ways, years ago.
I’m so glad that you’re doing what you can to support yourself, and keep toxic behaviors in check where you can. I know it can be really hard, and I’m sorry that there are things in your environment (fancops) that make you worried about moving backward in your mindset and habits.
Please remember that it’s okay to be sexual. To make dirty jokes, to write porn, to ERP, as long as you are not forcing that material on anyone. I think you know where that line is, and it is really terrible to see fancops and antis to blur that line, and make you feel like you’re doing something wrong by expressing sexuality in appropriate spaces, and with consenting partners.
I believe in you. I know you are pursuing healthy ways to express yourself, and embrace the totality of your being. It’s okay to mess up sometimes, we all do.
Feel free to message me any time .
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