BlackHeart Biohazards

i really want to talk about being plural but can’t really do that irl so i’m rambling in your inbox, sorry i’ve only kind of recently discovered that i’m a system (like, sometime within the past couple of months or so) and now that i’m aware of it, there’s lots of little things about us/me that i’m noticing. i’ve always had a pretty odd relationship with our memory (we dissociate a lot), but learning we’re a system has got me kind of looking back on our memories, and looking at them through a new lens. like, the fact that before i realized we were plural, i used to say “it’s like my memories are all organized in a file cabinet but i’m not the one who got to organize them.” looking back of that one made me feel a bit like hitting myself in a “wow, i can’t believe it took this long to notice” way also, a lot of the things i know about ourselves and our past aren’t really things i remember first hand, they’re more like someone told them to me. i just know about them, rather than having lived them, if that makes sense? especially for my childhood memories. we seem to have what i can only describe as a “collective memory”—for the most part, we know about what happens day to day, regardless of whether we actually remember it as a thing we did or not. it can be a little embarrassing because i’ve had some moments where i’m like “i want no one to know about this thing EVER” and then the whole system knows 💀 it helps that they’re usually pretty chill about whatever it is, even if it makes them think i’m weird. it’s been a kind of interesting introspection, i guess. there isn’t really a point to this, i just don’t have any friends who are systems/chill about systems that i can mention this to, and i’m scared to bring it up to our therapist, so it’s come out into your ask box. feel free to ignore this. i hope you have a really good day/night!