calloutarchives:

Are you in a discord server or friend group that makes you afraid of speaking out of turn? That you might say something that will upset someone, specially that one friend, and the consequences will be bad?

BITE

Steven Hassan’s BITE model of authoritian control might be a good tool for you to see if you are in a toxic friend group.

Behaviour Control

• Dictate where, how and with whom you live, associates or isolate (example: telling who you should interact on tumblr or twitter)
• Regulate and influences your physical reality (example: the times you must be online, your real life relationships)
• Manipulation and deprivation of sleep
• Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence
• Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time (also includes which shows and series you may enjoy and which ones you shouldn’t)
• Most of your time must be spent with the group

Information Control

• Deception;
  – Deliberately withholding information
  – Distort information to make it more acceptable or fall into the group reality
  – Systematically lie
• Minimize or discourage access to sources of information outside the group, including;
  – social media, TV, books, articles
  – critical information
  – former members of the group
  – keep members busy so they don’t have the time to think
  – stalk and control access to information
• Compartmentalize information into outsider vs Insider, aka “Us versus Them”
• Stalking members and encouraging reporting on others
• Unethical use of personal information, including blackmail, using it to disrupt and/or dissolve identity boundaries, withhold forgiveness, gaslighting making one doubt their memories

Thought Control

• Require members to internalize the group’s ideas as the truth
  – Instill black and white thinking
  – the group decides what is good and what is evil
  – instigate a “us versus the the world” mentality
• Blatant use of buzz words and loaded language to constrict knowledge and stop critical thoughts
• Encourage only “proper” thoughts
• Manipulation of memories (also known as gaslighting into making you questioning your memories)
• Forbid critical question about leader, policy or critical thinking altogether
• Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism

Emotional Control

• Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings, some emotions or needs are deemed as evil, wrong or selfish
• Make you think that your problems are always your own fault, never the leader or the group’s (victim-blaming)
• Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as: identity guilt; not being good enough; your affiliations must be approved; your thoughts, feelings and actions are either irrelevant or selfish
• Instill fear, such as : fear of thinking independently; the outside of the group; being shunned by the group; disapproval of the group
• Extremes of emotional high and lows, from lovebombing and praise to the group saying how bad of a person you are
•  Phobia indoctrination, instilling irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader. As in: no happiness outside the group, terrible consequences, being rejected by your friends, never a legitimate reason to leave, threats

You can read about it here.

If your friend group makes you feel more than one of the items mentioned, you might want to take a step back. Ask for a second opinion from outside the group or a mental health professional if you can. You are always worth being happy and being treated with respect.

This is the reason why people like those mentioned in this blog manage to strive, it is because they make that you are nothing without them. It is the other way around: they are the ones who are nothing without the people they manipulate.

Stay safe.