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◾ It’s normal not to share the details of your sexual habits with your parents or family.
◾ It’s normal to keep what kind of sexual content you like private.
◾ A parent demanding to know what kind of sexual content a teenager looks at is arguably sexual harassment.
◾ A teenager forcefully exposing a parent to details of the sexual content they enjoy is arguably sexual harassment.
◾ When someone demands to know “what would your parents think” about your sexual habits they are asking you to cross a very normal boundary between parents and children.
◾ It is not expected for parents and their children to talk about the details of their sexual preferences.
◾ It is not normal or expected for a parent to approve of whatever kind of sexual content their teenager or adult child is interested in.
Need you to know that none of this is anti-purity culture. For one these all severely lack nuance. But also by acting like it’s weird or gross or even abusive(??????) to share any details of your sex life with your parents you demonize sex in the exact same way that purity culture does.
So let’s try to revise these a bit yes?
• You don’t have to share details of your sex life with anyone that you don’t want to share them with because you are allowed to set those kinds of personal boundaries. What is “normal” is irrelevant because what’s important is what’s best for each person as an individual. Some people are more comfortable sharing those kinds of things than other people and both kinds of people are perfectly fine.
• It’s okay if you don’t want to share what kind of stuff you like period because nobody is entitled to any information that you don’t want to share with them. See above.
• If a parent is literally demanding to know what kind of sexual content their kid looks at it’s not “sexual harassment” (because that’s really a vague legal term more than a helpful descriptor of abuse) it’s abuse. Because 1) they are violating their kid’s boundaries 2) they think they are entitled to know because they view their kid(s) as property. There’s a lot more going on in a situation like that than is conveyed by the term “sexual harassment.” Likely the most applicable term would be “emotional incest.”
• “a teen forcing an adult to look at sexual content” is nothing more than a rhetorical device used to victim blame children who act out because they themselves are victims of abuse. If a child is “forcing” an adult to view sexual content then they are almost guaranteed to have some kind of sexual trauma of their own. Does it justify the behavior? Of course not. But I need you to ask yourself why you think that it is beneficial to malign children, who have no systemic power over you whatsoever. This is very “but she said she was 18!” kind of thinking and that should bother you.
• When someone demands to know “what would your parents think?” they don’t actually care what your parents would think, and even if you told them exactly what your parents would think it wouldn’t satisfy them. Because they are trying to weaponize traditional puritanical social taboos to make you feel bad for behavior that the large majority of people could not give half a flying fuck about. They are trying to shame you in the hopes that you will listen to all the sex negative bullshit you’ve internalized over the years.
• Of course it’s not expected for parents and children to talk about their sex lives. But since when do you give a shit about what is “expected?” It’s not “expected” that parents will treat their children like human beings but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to treat children like property. Expectations are nothing but unrealistic goals you’re supposed to kill yourself trying to meet. If you don’t want to talk to your parents about sex then don’t. If you want to talk to them about sex then do. It’s nobody else’s business but yours and theirs.
• What does this mean. What does this mean. Stop with the normal and expected. Normal and expected are fake. What do you mean “approve of” like what are you talking about? You’re making it Weird. Sex is a thing that people do sometimes and some people talk to their parents about it and some people don’t. Like.
Anyway. As an actual victim of an emotionally incestuous relationship with a parent, please stop acting like every parent who does things in a way you don’t like is abusive. Even more, stop acting like parents and children who have rough, unusual, or “weird” relationships are fucking irredeemable pieces of shit. Having an abusive relationship with a parent is an incredibly individual and unpredictable experience. Like.
Yes my mom overshares sometimes and yes sometimes she has a hard time respecting my boundaries but also she raised me to have a deep passion for kindness and helping others. I would be dead without this woman and I don’t even want to think about whether or not that’s a good or a bad thing because what matters is the fact that we are both here now and we can either make it work or fuck off forever and that choice is for us to make and us alone.
Abused children are not your hypothetical. Please do not use us as a means to further your viewpoint no matter how righteous and just you think your beliefs are. We are real people and we deserve to speak for ourselves.
My friend, I am an abused child, and victim of emotional incest.
This post is part of a larger conversation started by bullies using parental shame as a tool of control and harassment of other people’s sex lives.
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