BlackHeart Biohazards

A Drowning Man Can’t Save Another (830 words) by thesavagesabretooth

Additional Tags: Character Study, Seven Year Gap (Gyakuten Saiban), Depression, Mental Health Issues, Autistic Miles Edgeworth, Angst

Summary: Miles struggles with his own mental health issues while wishing there was more he could do for Phoenix Wright.

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Miles blamed himself for Phoenix’s disbarment. If he had been there, instead of messing about with the whole Zheng Fa affair, and Blaise Debeste and all the fallout of that– if he had actually been there to do his damned job and prosecute, none of it would have happened.

He stared out into the dark, heavy and starless horizon of the LA skyline, his own face and figure reflected in the glass of his office window.

The self recriminations and ‘what ifs’ were eating him alive. But there was only one past, just as there was only one truth, and the truth was that Miles hadn’t been there. And Phoenix Wright had been disbarred.

And Miles felt like he was watching Phoenix Wright’s life fall apart in real time– just as Miles’ own had fallen apart for the past several years of his life.

Miles saw Phoenix drowning, and he couldn’t even reach out a hand to help him up because Miles was still puking up sea water.

It was ten o’clock at night. Phoenix was out drinking in some dive bar, and Miles was here at the prosecutorial office, finishing up paperwork and brooding.

What the hell was he going to do?

Phoenix Wright needed his help. They were lovers. Miles loved him– he really did love him. That meant he had to help, didn’t it?

He should go out to where Phoenix was now, and drag him back to Miles’ house. Sober him up, and tell him he’d be living with him until the matter was resolved. Obviously, Trucy too.

That was the right thing to do. That was the responsible thing to do. That was what a lover, a partner, someone who loved Phoenix Wright would do.

But just the thought of it made Miles start to shake. It made his stomach tie itself in knots.

 MIles knew that he was a fragile man. A weak man. Small things upset him.

He imagined coming into his house and finding dishes unexpectedly in the sink, or finding that someone had moved something on his nightstand. He imagined coming home and finding that someone had left the lights on, or that there was music playing in the room. Not even music he didn’t like– just– music he didn’t expect.

Every little idea set his nerves on edge. Miles was fine with visiting. Visiting could be controlled. Visiting was expected. It also took energy to recover from.

And the idea of sharing a home with someone– even someone he loved– on a permanent basis; the idea of having no space that was truly his own and inviolate; the idea of never having a chance to recover from ‘visiting’– it sent Miles Edgeworth’s heart rate through the roof.

Miles put his hand on his chest and took a breath, trying to relax himself. If he didn’t want to live with Phoenix Wright, did that mean he didn’t love him? People wanted to live with each other to care for each other, and to share each other’s lives.

Phoenix would never ask him, either. He would never let his pride go like that. The only time he had ever asked Miles for anything had been for someone else’s sake.

So it would be a fight. Miles would be fighting tooth and nail against an angry, desperate Phoenix Wright. And he’d be fighting for an outcome he didn’t even want. An outcome that made him feel unsafe.

Miles started shaking again and he touched the cool glass of the window, hoping the sensation would stabilize him.

He knew there was something wrong with him. There had always been something wrong with him. He was too particular. Too sensitive. Too high strung. Too easily wounded.

Miles Edegwroth couldn’t even take care of himself– how the hell was he going to take care of Phoenix Wright?

He wished that there were someone he could look to for advice, someone to help him navigate this– but he felt adrift. He would have to come to his own conclusions, as usual.

He tried to push through his circling negative thoughts.

Phoenix Wright wouldn’t want to live with him. Even if that was what would objectively be the best course. So Miles would have to help him in other ways. He could do that– he was sure he could do that, even if Phoenix wouldn’t like it.

It was fine. It was going to be fine. Phoenix was going through a dark time, but Miles had experience with dark times. He’d support Phoenix how he could, and when the light shone at the end of the tunnel, Wright would smile at him, and they’d laugh about it.

It probably wasn’t even going to be a long tunnel. Phoenix was resilient. He always bounced back. It would be just like it was in court. They’d think everything was doomed, and then turn it around. He was sure of it. Any day now.

MIles knew he was lying to himself.