Oh gods, I never considered the fact that there might be a reason I don’t remember any trauma (I have definite gaps in my memories as a child, but never really connected the dots, wow-). /gen But the other points you make do make sense to me, I understand what you mean. I guess a better way to explain the experience is definitely “not feeling in control” sometimes; sometimes I’ll do something on what I can only describe is “total autopilot” ?? Like my brain does it automatically, but I don’t (1)
really… process it, I guess? Or like I don’t see it happening, if that makes sense? I’m vaguely aware that it did, but just… wasn’t a part of it, I guess? Or, sometimes I find myself questioning if I actually did something but I don’t know if that’s an ADHD thing or… something else. I don’t really have the vocab to explain really how it works, but it’s def a feeling of “someone else did this,” if that makes sense? Sorry to bombard, don’t really have anywhere else to turn for this. (2)
To me that “autopilot” sensation sound a lot like how I might describe dissociation of some kind. Some terms you might want to look into are depersonalization and derealization.
It definitely sounds to me like you have something going on, but I can’t diagnose you either psychotically or spiritually.
If I were you I would definitely try to do some reading of other people’s experiences and see if you feel like any of it matches up with yours.
@sophieinwonderland is a pretty good table blog that deals with both endogenic and traumatic plurality; while not everyone agrees with them (and I don’t agree with everything they say either) they’re very good about providing sources and resources and I think that could be a good place for you to start.
Another, very old, plural community resource is astrea’s web– I find their glossary of terms very helpful even now.
Again, please don’t be shy about sending us asks, if you have any other thoughts or read something you’d like to ask us about.
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