Oh man, Nonny. The Folgers commercial…the best part of the TV Christmas season is that fucking commercial. And I say this as a Candace Cameron Bure Hallmark movie addict, mkay?
Bit of backstory here: When I was a kid…so, like…late 80′s or early 90′s, there was a Folgers coffee commercial that featured a son coming home from college. It was early in the morning and he woke his family up by making a pot of coffee blah blah blah.
Well, a handful of years ago Folgers decided to revamp that much loved Christmas classic. They added a sister and the son was now home from Africa instead of college. Cute idea, right?
In theory, sure.
In practice…
First off, the younger sister is a touch too giddy to see her brother. I have three brothers and three sisters. I live 3000 miles away from all of them and never once in my life have I been that giddy to see their stupid faces. And I love all six of them. So. Yeah. Sister – and that is her name in the commercial btw – is a touch too thrilled for him to be home. Add in that she tells him she waited up all night for him. Which, again. Super sweet. Also not normal. My siblings have waited up for me exactly once and it was because I had the only copy of the newest Harry Potter book and they wanted to read it next.
Anyway.
Brother – the brother’s name because this is clearly a live-action human version of The Berenstain Bears – hands Sister a gift and she takes the bow off and puts it on him insisting that HE IS HER PRESENT THIS YEAR.
See. Now. If that had been all there was Gross Trash such as myself and @dialmformaledictions probably would have left it alone. But that wasn’t all there was. Because God is real and Folgers is clearly run by a bunch of pure souls.
After Sister puts the bow on Brother they share a very…interesting…look. Like. For real. I’m assuming it was supposed to be a look that said “I am so glad you’re here” and also “oh, golly gee, the youthful hijinks we’ll get up to! Cheese and crackers, this’ll be fun!”
But guess what, Nonny? THAT IS NOT WHAT THE LOOK SAID. The look, there at the end when Brother and Sister are staring into each other’s eyes, is the “come fuck me”-ist look I’ve seen in a commercial in my life. IN. MY. LIFE.
I’m a sex worker and I have clients who have incest fantasies that are tamer than that look. I promise.
Tell me that that is not a commercial about two people who wanna fuck because it’s been too long. You can’t.
And you know who else couldn’t? FOLGERS.
I haven’t seen that commercial on TV yet this year and I watch a LOT of the Hallmark channel. Folgers is one of their movie sponsors. That was Folgers’ big deal commercial from roughly 2009 through…idk…2015? But the internet refused to accept that Brother and Sister aren’t fucking. Because they are. Look at them. And Folgers couldn’t handle it. Now, perhaps somewhere else in the country that commercial still plays. But not here in Brooklyn.
But the commercial is too big for Folgers now. It has it’s own tiny, dedicated, disgusting fandom (I am 100% talking about myself). We refuse to let Brother and Sister Folgers love die.
