I wanted to ask, since you guys are the only system/fictionkin blog I know about.Warning here, this one’s…really long. I’m up way past my bedtime and I’m feeling weird.Would you say that feeling like you’ve “popped” into existence is a system/fictionkin thing? Or feeling there are just…supposed to be people there. You know somewhere deep down your mind is not supposed to be this quiet, but no matter what you never feel more than a vague “My name is no longer my name, this body isn’t mine, these morals are not my own”.It’s all so exhausting and confusing and lately I’ve been having the same kinds of feelings I used to when I was a kid, back before someone shamed me for using “imaginary friends” to cope with my emotions and the way I tried to process them.I had…characters, I guess? These people I would imagine. They always felt kinda…real? Kinda like if I got into my mind somehow, they’d…be there. But one was different. One was…dangerous. and she didn’t even exist until before that person shamed me.I named her Queen. She was a young woman, maybe even a teen, but she was…mean. She was nasty. I don’t even call her a character or a bad reaction because it was like pressing a panic button and watching somebody else do…things. I won’t…get into it here, but she was mean to my friends. To the people I cared about. She’d pick a fight with whoever was triggering my panic attacks, and play by really weird rules, using anything she could to bully them. I didn’t lose consciousness, but I didn’t feel…in control?As I got older, I learned to cope with those episodes (mostly) and turned my responses inwards (“How could you do this to me” became “What did I do to deserve this?”, etc), which left me depressed instead of scared and angry. Maybe that’s why, her “emotional trigger” stopped existing. It still feels like she’s trying to inch up on me when I do get upset, though…I’m kind of scared.I’m sorry this got so long. It’s like…2:30 in the morning and I’m alone in the dark and I feel so weirdly…not alone, but silent. Like there’s something wrong. I’m not supposed to be alone, if that makes sense? It feels like I’ve lost something.– 🍉💌
Hi anon! Thank you for sharing all this with us, it sounds like you have a lot on your mind and are going through a tough time.
It also sounds like you should definitely look further into plurality– I wouldn’t be surprised if you were experiencing, or had experienced a form of it.
A lot of the time switching doesn’t feel like you’re ‘not there’ but more like someone else is there and the one doing things.
Dangerous system members sadly ARE sometimes a thing, whether your plurality is from DID, psychologically endogenic, soulbonding, or some form of spirit mediumship. I don’t say that to scare you but it is sometimes something that plural people struggle with.
Discovering more about your plurality might be a good way to learn to exert more influence on what you feel like is a hostile force– often the key is communication!
As for feeling like you “popped into existence” there’s an experience some of our friends have had that you might want to look into called being a “walk in”, which basically means you popped into the body after someone else left.
Please feel free to ask more questions if you have them, and I really hope this helped!
–🎀💖
Discussion ¬