To all of us who need to hear it today:
“they’re family” doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.
“they never hit me” doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.
You don’t have to like someone who violates your boundaries.
Being nice to you on occasion doesn’t negate their abuse.
Family shouldn’t criticize everything you do, bully you, or put you down and laugh.
Family shouldn’t take your things, or break them to hurt, upset or control you.
Family shouldn’t try to control you.
You don’t deserve to be yelled or screamed at.
You don’t deserve to be put down or insulted.
You don’t deserve to starve.
You don’t deserve to be hurt or punished.
You deserve love and good things in your life.
Love and good things are coming. You can make it.
I feel like the most important thing here is:
Being nice to you on occasion doesn’t negate their abuse.
“On occasion” doesn’t have a limit, either.
That doesn’t mean every slight misstep is abusive, if they are open to communication and show effort to fix things. That doesn’t mean every disagreement on what constitutes reasonable boundaries is abusive. It doesn’t mean “if your experience is ever less than idyllic then you are a victim.”
But it DOES mean that people can be capable of BOTH kindness AND abuse. It does mean that EVEN IF someone says or even shows they’re trying to improve, you’re allowed to have limits of what you’re willing to endure. You are not obligated to put up with toxic behaviors. There’s a difference between being patient with people out of love and sympathy as opposed to out of guilt and fear. Those things are also not mutually exclusive, and it’s important that you don’t let the prior blind you to the latter.
Someone can be great at hiding what a cruel person they are, or can be openly cruel, but those aren’t the only options. Someone can treat others genuinely well and still be horrible to you. Someone can be toxic for you even without intending to be, let alone with varying degrees of intention.
The same behaviors can be fine or mildly inconvenient to one person and deeply destructive to another. For example, if a sibling says, “Well, mom treats me the same way and it doesn’t bother me,” great, they’re not you. People have different needs.
This is so important to understand. Kindness doesn’t negate abuse. Even being an overall decent person doesn’t negate abuse. A doctor who saves and improves countless lives every year and gives to reputable charities frequently and treats their spouse and friends well could still be a bad parent who alternates between neglectful and overbearing with unrealistic expectations.
You don’t have to be able to justify that someone is “a bad person” to recognize they’re bad for YOU. Most abuse doesn’t come from grotesque monsters. It comes from people. And that’s part of what’s so scary.
Don’t fall into the habit of saying “well clearly they’re a decent person, so it must not be that bad” or “it must just be me.” That doesn’t matter. Your safety and health, including your mental and emotional health, matter. Protect yourself, no matter what the danger looks like from the outside.
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